Is your teen dreading going back to school?
It’s that time of year again. Some teens are bored and can’t wait to get back to school. Some are far less enthusiastic.
Then there are those who genuinely dread it.
As a confidence coach and tutor of teens, I specialise in working with the quiet (and often overlooked) teens – the out-of-the-box-thinkers, the highly sensitive, the empaths. Many of the teens I work with say that they dislike school.
Homework, exams, deadlines, detentions, raised voices, busy corridors, unstructured breaktimes, answering questions and reading out loud in front of the class, peer pressure…yes, it’s water off a duck’s back to some, but for sensitive teens it can be overwhelming and all-consuming.
Let’s have a look at a few of these factors in more detail.
Noise
Schools are noisy places. In fact, lesson changeover can be a bit of a circus in all honesty. For sensitive teens, being elbowed out of the way and knocked against walls as they make their way to their next lesson can be disconcerting.
Being put on the spot
Many sensitive teens dislike being the centre of attention and will not voluntarily put up their hand to answer a question. They worry constantly about whether they will be picked for a demonstration, asked to read a page out loud or forced to perform in a drama sketch. For some teens, this is literally their worst nightmare and the thought of it causes them sleepless nights.
Performance under pressure
Teens are tested more often than they have ever been throughout history. There are end of term assessments, in-class tests, PPEs (pre-public exams), the real exams. Students are constantly aware of how they compare against their peers. Many of these exams use the principle of “a mark a minute”, so there is very little time to think and process. Sensitive teens are often deep thinkers and deep thinking requires time to process and plan. By not having the freedom to do what comes naturally to them, many find the time pressure deeply distressing. This is a topic very close to my heart.
Fear of punishment
Many of the teens I work with are terrified of getting a detention or a negative behaviour point. They strive to be “good” and view sanctions as evidence to the contrary. Most of the teens I work with have received detentions for forgotten books or lateness to a lesson. Unfortunately, it has led some of them to adopt some unhealthy coping mechanisms – they do not go to the toilet between lessons or at breaktimes, for example, for fear that they will be late for their lesson and then punished.
Drained of social energy
The school day is quite intense. Teens are surrounded by other people all day and for sensitive teens, their social battery can quickly become drained as they need time alone to recharge. Many of the teens I work with tell me this is the biggest challenge for them.
What can you do to support your sensitive teen through their school years?
Listen
The most important thing you can do for your teen is to hear them. The meltdowns will happen at home because it is a “safe” space. They might be able to mask their way through the school day, but when the school day has ended the exhaustion will make itself known. This might show up as headaches or stomach aches, crying or aggression or moodiness.
Help your teen to label the feeling. Interestingly, the emotion that most often comes up for the teens I work with is anger but many of them say that they feel guilty about expressing their anger (because they are generally viewed as quiet and placid). It is important that your teen is able to explore and express their anger and frustration. For more info about how to help them do this, see 12 ways to Help your Teen Express their Emotions – Charlotte Noon Coaching
Help them get perspective
When your teen feels overwhelmed, it can be easy for them to see every little thing that happens as something enormous. The thing is that it is often the meaning they have attached to the event, rather than the event itself that is making them feel bad. A detention in itself is not a big deal – but if your teen thinks that it has destroyed their reputation or that they have let themselves down, they are going to feel the impact more strongly. Help them to see it for what it is, draw a line under it and move on.
Help them get organised
Some teens (mine included) have been in trouble at school simply due to disorganisation, which causes them stress and anxiety. Some teens need to be taught how to get organised. If this is your teen, take a look at this blog for tips on how to help them How to help your teen get organised – Charlotte Noon Coaching
Give them time to unplug and recharge at home
When your teen gets home from school, let them know that it is ok to sit in their room doing a low impact activity and try not to pressure them to do a different club every night of the week if they don’t want to. If you allow your teen the time they need in the evenings and at weekends to recuperate, their stamina for school is likely to be significantly increased.
Make sure that they know how incredible they are
Sadly, whilst trying to jump through a very specific set of hoops, teens often lose sight of just how incredible they are. They are so much more than a number. Help your teen to recognise the many skills, talents and qualities they have to offer the world.
If your teen would like some help with navigating their way through their school life more easily, let’s chat.
