How to help your teen build resilience
Life can be less than easy for teens. There are so many pressures on them to “fit in”. Many feel that they need to do certain things or be a certain way to gain acceptance – whether this is following trends, having the right gadgets or labels, getting the right grades or gaining outside validation, such as likes on social media, or being labelled one of the “popular” group at school.
The fundamental problem with this is that your teen is placing their sense of self worth in the hands of other people and other people are unpredictable.
It is inevitable that your teen will have ups and downs in life – they will get accepted for certain jobs and not others; certain relationships will work out and some won’t; they will get what they want sometimes and not others.
As parents, we cannot guarantee our teens a smooth path through life (even though it is what we want more than anything in the world). But we can teach them the tools to be resilient to life’s challenges, so that they can truly enjoy life’s highs and quickly bounce back from the trickier times.
It is so natural for us as humans to want to be accepted by others. When somebody compliments us, we feel great. When somebody appears to be criticising us, we can instinctively become defensive.
But imagine how much easier life would be for your teen in adulthood if they knew that they are perfect just as they are … if they were secure enough in themselves to choose their reactions to the opinions of others.
Here are 5 ways to help your teen build resilience.
Tip 1 – help them to feel strong and grounded
When I am working with teenage clients, I often use a tree analogy. The leaves are at the mercy of the elements – the wind, rain or harsh sun. They are being blown around by whatever is happening in the environment. However, the tree has strong roots which grow deep and wide underground, creating a strong foundation. Regardless of the outside elements, the tree will remain strong and solid. I often encourage teens to visualise roots growing from their own feet into the ground so that they feel more grounded and less vulnerable in situations which may feel out of their control.
Tip 2 - Make sure your teen knows that it is ok for them to be exactly who they are.
Many of the teens I see have come to the conclusion that they are “wrong” in some way.
They have often been told that they are “too sensitive”, “too serious”, “too anxious” or put the other way, “not confident enough”, “not loud enough”, “not academic enough”.
Unfortunately, society often reinforces these messages. Academic success, fame and material wealth are often held up as the true measures of success.
In reality, happiness and fulfilment often comes from doing what comes naturally and being who you are. Life is so much simpler when you do it this way (it has taken me so many years to learn this, which is why I am so passionate about the work I do with teens…)
Tip 3 – help your teen to focus only on what they can influence
There are so many things in life that are outside our influence. Focusing on those things drains us of our energy.
I often get teens to draw around their hand and write all that they can influence in the centre and all that they can’t around the edges.
We can’t change systems, other people or certain circumstances. But we can change how we react to it.
Your teen may not love this idea at first. Sometimes it feels much easier to blame THAT teacher or THAT boss or THAT thing that happened. (I only know this because I lived like this for a really long time by the way).
BUT it can cause a block and it can prevent us from making the changes we need to make. Focusing only on what we can influence gives us freedom. Trying to change what we can’t change just keeps us stuck.
Changing our response to a situation opens up a whole new world of choices and possibilities.
Tip 4 – help them to see that everybody sees the world differently – not “right” or “wrong”, just different.
I often use NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) in my coaching sessions with teens. One of the fundamental principles of NLP is the idea that “the map is not the territory”. If you are looking at Google Maps, for example, even though you can see the houses, roads and other landmarks, it is not the place itself – it is just a map. Another map of the same place might look different.
It is the same in life. Everybody comes to a situation with their own “map”, which will be formed from their experiences growing up, their education, the views of those around them. Therefore, every person is unique and will read a situation differently.
So if your teen comes across somebody who has a different opinion to them, it does not make them “wrong” or “not good enough”. It simply means that the other person was coming at the situation from a different perspective or map of the world.
Tip 5 - Help your teen learn how to express their emotions.
Resilience is not about holding in emotions. It’s actually the complete opposite. When things don’t go your teen’s way, it’s natural for them to feel upset, angry or disappointed. Repressing that emotion is unhealthy and can cause mental health problems in adulthood. Encourage your teen to express their emotions and give them the time and space to feel them before talking about next steps.
Look out for next week’s blog which will be all about how to help your teen to learn how to express their emotions healthily.
If you would like to learn more about how NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) techniques can help you to navigate life’s ups and downs more easily, I highly recommend this book by my brilliantly wise friend and NLP trainer Emma McNally Who’s Flying Your Plane?: How to master the controls of your life: Amazon.co.uk: McNally, Emma R: 9798841066477: Books
If your teen would like to learn some tools to build resilience and navigate life’s ups and downs more easily, I offer 1:1 coaching sessions.
