How to help your teen overcome feelings of shame in learning

I’m 45 years old and this week I found myself sobbing in my car, full of feelings of shame and humiliation, after attending a new class.
I’m sharing this story because it has given me a whole new level of understanding about what may be going on for many of our teenagers.
These emotions had nothing to do with the learning environment. The studio was beautiful, calm and welcoming.
It had nothing to do with the teachers leading the class – they were friendly, gave a range of different options for accessibility and actively promoted self-compassion.
Those feelings of shame and humiliation were generated 100% by me and the way that I had internalised previous experiences. I was projecting that internal representation onto this new experience. And knowing that didn’t make it any less painful.
My shame story
One of my earliest memories, at the age of 3, is wondering why I couldn’t do what the other kids could do in a dance class – a pattern which had started in being delayed learning to walk and continued into learning to ride a bike, participating in sport, learning how to drive … in fact anything that involved coordination and learning a sequence.
Over the past few years, friends, coaches and medical professionals have all been telling me the same thing: you need to try yoga.
It will help you reconnect to your body, they said.
It will help you find calm, they said.
It will get you out of your head, they said.
But I have resisted yoga for a very long time. My belief was that yoga requires coordination, poise and balance. And I don’t “have” those things. It was all too hard, too embarrassing, too impossible.
Then I was diagnosed with ADHD and Dyspraxia. And all the books I read on those subjects pointed to the same thing: yoga.
Dammit.
I woke up one day last week realising that I at least needed to give it a try. Within one hour, I had found a studio, booked a 14-day pass and arrived at my first class. I knew I wouldn’t do it if I overthought it. The resistance was too great.
The first few classes went surprisingly well. I felt resourceful and was compassionate with myself. Then during day 5, those oh-so-familiar feelings of shame started to creep back in.
I couldn’t hold the instructions in my head long enough to complete the sequence.
I couldn’t keep my balance (at all – not even to stand on one leg for one second).
My whole body felt tight and I became that awkward, clumsy, real version of myself that I had spent all these years trying to hide.
I was filled with a sense of self-loathing.
I wanted the floor to swallow me up.
I wanted to be alone.
I could no longer focus on anything happening in the class because I was focused on two things only:
- Getting to the end of the class
- Not crying in public
Over the years, I have been witness to many teens in the classroom in this exact same position:
- Those who disrupt others to avoid anybody seeing that they don’t understand the task.
- Those who all too often seem to be “ill”.
- Those who sit at the back and never speak.
- Those who simply refuse to put pen to paper.
Shame is a very toxic emotion. It can lead to destructive behaviours and causes individuals to feel fundamentally flawed and disconnected from others. People will do almost anything to avoid it because it feels horrible.
Feeling this feeling again so intensely this week really hit home and inspired the writing of this blog post.
After all, I am working with teens for whom this feeling may well be a daily reality.
Have you noticed any of the following in your teen?
If your teen has had a previously negative experience in a particular subject such as English or Maths, they may well be experiencing some of the emotions that I experienced above.
Avoidance or withdrawal: Teens experiencing shame may avoid or withdraw from learning opportunities. They might skip classes, avoid participating in discussions, or decline offers for extra help or tutoring.
Negative self-talk: Listen for self-deprecating comments or negative self-talk from your teen. If they frequently express beliefs that they’re “stupid” or “not good enough,” it may indicate underlying shame.
Perfectionism: A fixation on perfection and an intense fear of making mistakes can be indicative of shame. Teens may resist learning because they don’t want to risk failure and the associated feelings of shame.
Procrastination: Chronic procrastination, especially on tasks related to learning, might be a way to avoid potential shame associated with the fear of not measuring up.
Resistance to feedback: Teens who resist constructive feedback or become defensive when corrected may be struggling with shame. They might perceive feedback as criticism of their worth.
Lack of initiative: A disinterest in taking initiative or exploring new subjects or activities could be a sign of shame-induced resistance. They may not want to draw attention to themselves.
Social isolation: Teens dealing with shame may isolate themselves from peers or educational environments to minimise the risk of exposure to judgment or humiliation.
Low self-esteem: If a teenager’s self-esteem is consistently low and they exhibit signs of self-doubt, it might be due to underlying shame affecting their self-perception.
Physical symptoms: Sometimes, shame can manifest physically. Teens might exhibit signs of stress, anxiety, or even depression, which can interfere with their ability to engage in learning.
Past experiences: Consider whether the teenager has had past experiences, such as bullying or academic failures, that could contribute to feelings of shame.
How can we help our teens move beyond shame?
The great news is that once we recognise shame for what it is, we can move beyond it.
I will most definitely be going back to my yoga class. Those feelings were just a moment in time.
As Brene Brown writes in her book Daring Greatly (which I highly recommend), shame derives its power from being unspeakable and by speaking it, we can cut it off at its knees.
Brown claims that the antidote to shame is vulnerability and empathy.
She encourages people to “dare greatly” by stepping out of their comfort zones and taking risks, even if it means facing potential failure or criticism. She believes that by doing so, individuals can lead more authentic and fulfilling lives.
I have certainly found this to be true from a personal perspective. The more I speak my challenges out loud (instead of avoiding and covering up), the more connected I feel to those around me. It also opens the channels of communication for others to speak their own truth.
5 ways to show empathy to your teen
- Active Listening: Actively listen to your teen without interrupting or immediately offering solutions. When they share their thoughts, feelings, or problems, focus on understanding their perspective. Use phrases like, “I hear what you’re saying,” or “Tell me more about how you feel.” This shows that you value their voice and experiences.
- Validate Their Feelings: Let your teen know that their feelings are valid, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. You can say things like, “It’s okay to feel that way,” or “I can understand why you might be upset.” Validating their emotions helps them feel heard and accepted.
- Avoid Judgment: Refrain from passing judgment or criticising your teen’s thoughts or actions. Instead, create a non-judgmental space where they can express themselves without fear of harsh consequences or disapproval. This encourages them to be more open and honest with you.
- Share Your Own Experiences: When appropriate, share your own experiences and struggles from your teenage years. This can help your teen see that you’ve faced similar challenges and emotions, making them feel less alone. However, be careful not to make it about you; keep the focus on them.
- Ask your teen how their day was in a different way: Your teen might feel less under pressure if you ask them “what’s your number?” at the end of the day, rather than “how was your day?” By giving a number out of 10, your teen can easily communicate their feelings without having to find the words. And it may open up into a more detailed conversation.
By demonstrating empathy, you can build a stronger bond with your teenager and provide valuable support during this crucial stage of their life.
If your teen is struggling with feelings of shame around learning, let’s chat. I offer a 15-minute complimentary call where I can offer some tips specific to your teen’s situation and give information about how I can help further.